Keren

kevingordham: just one last thing. you don't have to respond. you can contact me if you want to find out about Dawn, because I won't be contacting you again. I love you with all my heart, but I won't put up with that kind of crap. when you TRULY want to make amends and not just lip service, and I mean to EVERYONE, then we can continue. It will be real lonely, Keren, when you have ostracized your whole family, and you need help during your pregnancy.we would love to be there for you, but when you crap on us, how can you expect support from us? you seem to forget all the times we WERE there for you. I wish you and Keagan the best. I would really like to be part of her and your life. Dad



So, that's it. I am officially ostracized. So, does that mean they won't be reading my journal anymore?

Wow, I just opened this link out of habit. I really didnt have much to say. I had such a great night last night. This morning was okay, then it kind of sucked. After more coffee, now it is looking up. Tomorrow should kick butt as should saturday and sunday.

On another note, I have not said anything mean about anyone in my journal as of late. Please stop saying mean things about me.

Rosie is snuggling me a lot. it makes me feel better. Thank you, Rosie. Ian is talking to me and reassuring me and it makes me feel better. Thank you, Ian. Stori was talking to me and distracting me and it made me feel better. Thank you, Stori. Love works wonders.

On a side note: I got to see him more this week! Yay!!

This is a Public Service Announcement for anyone who ever reads this journal:

You know, it seems as though I went over this about a week ago, but I guess people don't pay attention to the entries that are not about them. If you have something to say to me, say it. My e-mail address is posted on a few past entries as well as in my userinfo. If, for some reason, you have trouble finding it, it is Mrpedrolopez@aol.com. If you have something to say to me that is a negative response to my journal entry, please let me know there where I can contact you back with an explanation.

Also, this is a journal. A journal is used to vent and rant about something that bothers you. It is a place to sort out your thoughts, and go back and read to see how you felt. It is raw. The reason I have the comments enabled is for help sorting out those thoughts from friends of mine. So please, if you have any negative feedback, first take into account that what i write has not been thought through, and also that I would appreciate it if you would tell me your problems in private. That is, if you want them resolved.

But you know, it's kind of funny that she reacts and responds the same way Susan does, isn't it?

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Okay, so. Good morning. I finally got more than 3 hours of sleep in a row. In fact, I got 9 hours! yay!! I have been sleeping outside in the tent, and it really helps. Tonight, though, I am staying at a friend's house. Then I have a parenting class tomorrow morning, then a dentist's appointment on friday morning.

Everything is going well today. I feel kind of bad for him, though. He is getting, or has already gotten in over his head. There is nothing I can do to make things better, except to stay out of it, which I am going to. I just wish I could help.

I am making coffee. I am in dire need of caffeine. What have you done to me, Ian?? oi. I hated coffee. I hated Seattle. Now I can't start my day without a cup 'o' joe, and I am trying to move to the Capitol Hill area. Boys, sheesh.

I have been crying really hard off and on since around 6. I hurt so badly. I tried to call a counselor, but she never called me back. I hurt so bad. I am so lonely.

I am so lonely. Will someone please come over and play with me for a couple hours? It hurts...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

Why the fuck can't I make up my mind? Why do I have to be so insane??



In other news, Matt ditched me again. Why this time? Guess! Ding! Ding! Ding! Nika! Thaaaaaat's right! Tell this contestant what they've won.

So that leaves me alone. Again. I wish someone would come play with me. I am so lonely.

OKay, so I deleted this file I had with all the sweet shit he said on it. It seems as though all guys just give lipservice. Oh well. I know it's not worth fighting for anymore. Words are just words. 3 years and I haven't gotten much. I have been everything he has asked me to be, and it hasn't been good enough. I can't keep living my life around his plan.

It hurts to be lied to. It hurts to be led on. I hope he doesn't do this to her. No one deserves it.

He is a good guy most of the time. Any girl would be lucky to get him. I guess I am just not right. He needs something else, I know it.

This is awesome! I am warm, I get to go swimming whenever I want, I have no attachments! This is actually really nice. I am so calm, it's great.

I hung out with Brandon and Julie today. It was cool. My tent is sooo comfy! I could live in there all the time if it didn't get so cold out during other times of the year. My brother will be here in an hour or so. We are going out tonight. That should be cool.

You can't hurt when you don't care, right?

Okay, good mood gone. Thanks a lot.

Doood!!! I'm milking! wtf?!?!

Okay, so. I convinced my mom to let me get a 30" deep pool from target to set up in our yard so I will not die. YAHOO!! Oh yeah, and I had a lot of fun this weekend. More than should ever be allowed. I even got pics to prove it! I will post those later. Hahaha...okay, seriously, though. Things will be alright, I just need to cool down.

Awww...she's in love with him. so sweet. Coochie coochie coo...


I think I should stop this whole coffee thing....

It all just hurts so bad. It is nice to know where I stand again, though. It is nice to know what I am good for.

Last night, I slept on the chaise for a while. I couldn't be near him, it hurt too much. I still resent him, but I have no reason to, anymore. He has nothing to do with me. I just wish it didn't hurt so god damned bad just to see him. Can I be done yet?

Okay, so. Stayed the night here last night, as I am sure you already figured out. Woke up and got breakfast at a bar (oooh...how adult!). Went to look for shoes for the pickiest shopper on the face of this earth. Then we came back here and I took a nap in front of the fan. IT IS TOO FUCKING HOT!!!. I feel like I am dying. Julie, are you getting this, too?

Okay, so after I woke up, we went to the park and I almost fell asleep again. He got to fly his totally awesome r/c airplane. Then, we went to QFC to get some steak, potatoes, and salad for food. I am so hungry. You have no idea. So those are cooking now and I am keeping my notes up to date. Did I mention I have had a great day?

Oh yeah, and I ran into an ex of mine when we were shoe shopping. He didn't look so good. I guess that is why he is an EX.

Happy pride everyone!!!

Did I mention I got coffee again?

Can it really be done? Can we remain friends until the time is right? Can we set aside all the love until things calm down? Is it possible? Gosh, i hope so. In the mean time, he seriously needs to be honest with this other chica. She deserves to know where things are going. I have noticed girls get a false sense of hope sometimes. *ahem* Anyway. Awesome night, great movies, good talk, LOTS OF FREAKING CAFFEINE. I am jolted. Time to go wake him up and bug him some more. Hey, he told me to. Stop! I am not mean! Leave me alone! WTF?!?!


Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dorque' pendant la vie!

Thaaaaaaaaaaat's meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!





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boobs.

I have been so busy this week that I have not had a chance to get more than 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night. And even if I did get the chance, either bad dreams wake me up, or the phone, etc. So this morning I vow to stay in bed until I have at least 8 hours under my belt.

I go to bed at 4am. At 7, my brother wakes me up to talk to me and mom. I fall back asleep. at 7:30, my mom wakes me up to talk about my brother. I fall back asleep. at 8:30, my mom wakes me up to tell me to go mow the lawn. I explain it can wait until it is a little cooler outside. she yells, I fall back asleep. at 9, my mom yells at me to wake up and "clean the god damned living room" (where i am sleeping for lack of having a bed) and that I am going to have Keagan taken away from me because I am "so fucking messy". I don't know about you, but I am certainly opposed to waking up to hear your mother say that you are already unfit to raise your unborn child. Especially a mom with as many problems as mine has. So here I am, up and about after 5 hours of on again, off again sleep.

I want to go take a shower and then while my hair is waiting to dry, i want to clean the living room (i have a sewing project out). But do you think I am allowed? Nope! I am not allowed to do didly squat. And, I have stuff to do at 1 that will take all day. Can I leave yet?

Peaches are now in season.

I was fine before I went into the hospital. Since then things have been quickly spiraling down and now i am going back to my stupid high school suicidal shit? why cant i be normal?!?!?! why can't i be happy?!?! why can't I be one of the lucky ones? Why can't he want me...

Don't they make the perfect couple??

this hurts so unbelievably much. If he wants her, fine. He can have her, but he can't have me, too! I can't be his weekend girlfriend. So why does it hurt? Because i love him so much. Because I would have done anything for him, because i did do anything for him and it didnt change anything! It hurts that he would rather be without me than be with just me. He said things had progressed between him and i and her and him. Well, so has my depression. coincidence? I don't think so. I just want him to hold me and make it all go away. I want him to want me and me alone. I want to be good enough.

He wasn't using me, so please stop sayin that. He just couldn't be exclusive, which is what I needed from him. But I do wish him well and I hope he and Sakinah are happy together. I hope he finds all he wants. I think this is better in the long run. I think this will hurt a lot less when all is said and done. Man, I wish it didnt hurt so bad now. I am losing my best friend and the love of my life. I guess I need to suck it up and move on. I have other things to worry about.

In other news, my old boss sent a co-worker to MY HOUSE to tell me to come apply again because he wanted me back. I had an interview at Anchor Blue that I actually think went alright. I went and saw my family today and made an awesome new friend. I have a pic I will post soon enough that turned out really well.

I think I am going to attempt to sleep now, but my stomach hurts.

good night, all.